Wednesday, February 25, 2009

My Top 5 Man-Crushes

"Man Crush: When a guy loves another guy dearly, but not queerly."

Every guy has them. I don't care how manly you think you are, there are either actors or characters they've portrayed who you've fallen head over heels a completely hetero way. Dudes who are just too cool. You want to be their friend onscreen or offscreen or both. There are a ton of actors I like and preformances I've been impressed by, but these are the guys I wish I were elite enough to hang out with.

#5.) Kurt Russell

Where We First Met: Stargate

The Moment I Realized It Was True Love: As R.J. MacReady in John Carpenter's The Thing, Kurt devises a plan to test which of his fellow residents of an Antarctic research outpost are infected by alien DNA by placing a piece of heated copper wire into a sample of blood from each man. With his friends and co-workers tied to a couch, R.J. announces that as an act of good faith he will test his own blood first. Having heated the copper wire, and with the frightened, judging eyes of the other men glued firmly to him, R.J. hesitantly and worriedly pauses for a split second before testing his own fate.

Fondest Memories: John Carpenter's The Thing, Big Trouble In Little China, Death Proof, Breakdown

#4.) Shia Labeouf

Where We First Met: The Battle of Shaker Heights

The Moment I Realized It Was True Love: As Kale Brecht in Disturbia, Shia becomes jealous when Ashley, the girl he's got a major crush on, holds a loud party next door which he can't attend because he's under house arrest a few mere feet away. Kale tries to ignore the music and laughter from next door but eventually cracks under the pressure and peeks outside to see other guys obviously hitting on Ashley. Making a fool of himself by playing obnoxiously loud romantic music to drown out the noise of the party, Kale is confronted by an annoyed Ashley before giving an incredibly cheesy monologue about how he's been watching her through his windows since she moved in, which ranges from creepy to romantic, after which the music (Don't Make Me Wait by This World Fair) swells and the two characters finally kiss.

Fondest Memories: Disturbia, Eagle Eye, A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints

#3.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Where We First Met: 3rd Rock From The Sun

The Moment I Realized It Was True Love: As Brendan Frye in Brick, a crime noir about high school students, Joseph is trying to solve the mystery behind the recent murder of his ex-girlfriend whom he still very much loves. After sticking his nose a few places where it didn't belong, Brendan is confronted outside of his school by an adversary much larger than him. Choosing flight over fight, Brendan manages to get a brief lead on his attacker before rounding a corner, dropping to the floor, and removing his shoes so that his assailant won't hear him coming. Immediately he is back on his feet and rushing back toward the corner he'd just turned before using expert timing to slide out from behind said corner and trip his pursuer, who, for reasons you'll have to see the movie for yourself to discover, surely ends up wishing that he hadn't picked this particular fight.

Fondest Memories: Brick, The Lookout

#2.) Clint Eastwood

Where We First Met: In The Line Of Fire

The Moment I Realized It Was True Love: As the man with no name in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Clint and a sometimes lovable, sometimes despicable outlaw named Tuco (who refers to him as Blondie) have somehow survived numerous run-ins with gunslingers, a full-on Civil War battle, and each other long enough to reach a cemetery where $200,000 worth of gold is rumored to be buried. With the only thing left for the men to do to claim the riches for their own being the act of digging up a specific grave, Blondie tosses Tuco a shovel. After Tuco asks why Blondie doesn't have a shovel of his own, he replies "You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig." Pause for dramatic effect... "You dig."

Fondest Memories: A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Unforgiven, Dirty Harry, Gran Torino

#1.) Jackie Chan

Where We First Met: Rumble In The Bronx

The Moment I Realized It Was True Love: As Kevin (aka Jackie) Chan in Police Story, Jackie has pursued a powerful drug lord named Chu Tao, who has a grudge against him, to a shopping mall. After having a lengthy knock-down, drag-out fight with several worthy opponents up and down escalators, through store displays, and amongst a veritable sea of broken glass, Jackie is tired and weakened by his injuries. Just when things seem as though they couldn't get any worse, he looks down from a fourth story balcony to see that on the ground level below him, Chu Tao has taken Jackie's girlfriend May hostage. Enraged beyond caring for his own personal well-being, Jackie leaps off of the balcony, sliding down a four story metal pole covered with decorative lights which shatter one after another as he rapidly approaches the floor below. At the bottom, Jackie quickly chases down Chu Tao, who lets May go out of fear. Despite the pleas of Chu Tao's lawyer and his own police chief, Jackie cannot restrain himself any longer and, in one of the most visceral scenes I've ever seen in a movie, gives Chu Tao the truly epic beating that he deserves.

Fondest Memories: Police Story, Police Story 2, Supercop, Rumble In The Bronx, Drunken Master, Legend of Drunken Master, Dragon Lord, The Young Master, Project A, Project A2, Armour of God (aka Operation Condor 2), Armour of God II (aka Operation Condor), Jackie Chan's First Strike

Honorable Mention: James Van Der Beek
as Sean Bateman in The Rules Of Attraction

"Rock and roll..."

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